Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Things I Hate...

I don't typically do New Year's resolutions, but this year I did.  I, the eternal pessimist, am trying to be more positive.  Right now you may be thinking, "But this post is titled 'Things I HATE.'"  And you would be correct.

In trying to be positive, I also have to recognize the things I must handle, overcome, or otherwise deal with to achieve that goal.  Hence, the following list.

  1. I hate that I didn't know I had kidney stones until two days had passed (back in 2010).  Thanks to fibromyalgia and my ever-present back pain, a little extra back pain was nothing to be concerned about.  As the pain migrated to my side, I thought "well this is new," but wrote it off as fibro spreading its evilness throughout my body.  It wasn't until I had severe pain near the appendix area that my husband insisted I go to the ER because he was afraid my appendix had or would burst.  Nope.  It was "just" kidney stones...that I couldn't detect because of my chronic illness.
  2. I hate that I didn't know I was sick until several days had passed (this year).  Thanks to fibromyalgia (which has general flu-like symptoms all the time), I thought my sore throat and stuffiness was cedar fever or a cold.  The aches and pains I wrote off as fibro-related because I have them ALL THE TIME.  It wasn't until a week later - when I was STILL sick and no cold medicine would help - that my husband speculated I had the flu.  If I had been sick for any longer, he would have taken me to the doctor and/or ER.  I had the (undiagnosed) flu and didn't even know it because of my chronic illness.
  3. I hate that, no matter how much my pain varies in my hands, arms, legs, feet, and head, fibromyalgia always always ALWAYS causes pain in my back.  And that has taken away my ability to detect symptoms of other "regular" illnesses, like kidney stones and the flu.
TL;DR: I hate fibromyalgia.

I am struggling to cope with this bastard of a disease and still remain positive.  I celebrate the days when I'm under a 7 on the "normal" pain scale.  I'm happy when I can walk to the mailbox and check the mail.  I am able to go to my classes - with the assistance of a cane.

There is much to be happy for.  But I struggle getting past this list.  I live in fear that some day fibromyalgia will keep me from catching severe symptoms, and I will just drop dead.  How can I be positive about that?